alcoholic !

what does it mean to be an alcoholic ?

am i one ?

i write this with an over-worked but functioning liver, slightly slurred speech & worried people weighing down on me. i don't think i am. i exaggerate for the blog for sure. but as far as needing cognac to survive...when times get hard i guess. I think i'm just another dreamer, lost in the illusion of wanting more for my existence. i know i won't find the messiah in the bottom of the glass. i know that. but i would also double dare you to find me his hiding spot. see ? you can't. 

dad was a drunk. I figure I can go two ways, condemn this shit altogether or pull my socks up & go further & beyond. or when i look at the phrasing of the last sentence, maybe it's cause i suspect i'm easily influenced. But I don't think I am. I stand my ground. nigga I stand on business. I have friends who were in love with the shit that got whitney. the shit that got malcolm. rest in power. i'm not here to judge or compare. I just think that the line we walk on this planet rock is a thin one. Some dance on the edge whilst some walk blind. it's a battle of the strangest sort. idk.

back to my point. i rap. obviously. Do i give into the allure of the lifestyle ? maybe. I'm being so honest rn, fuck poetry. same time, I think the more people highlight my "alleged" problem, the more i think it's an actual problem. idk.

i've had issues with substance abuse in the past. i did all that. so I can humbly say that i am tired! i just want a drink sometimes hahaha. is that too much to ask ? idk where this was supposed to go. but in the spirit on unfiltered thought, i will still go ahead & post this. I think a rational person (me + tippy) would say that I go overboard at times, but an alcoholic ? nigga. i know some alcoholics. let's be real for a second. i couldn't drink from their flask.

have a happy week, & i hope you all know i will continue drinking this moscato til the day they come for me.