i hold grudges, i can't help it

you might not want to read this, but in case you do:

i hold grudges, & i can't help it. i'm filled with resentment, greed, & envy. these things WEIGH DOWN ON ME. revenge is my holy practice that i build shrines for & base my prayers around. I might even represent the worst of us. 

bitch broke a promise & changed me forever. niggas laugh in my face I promise 'em they got one coming. fucker ran away with my funds, I'll still see him when I see him. planet earth can be a real, real small place.

but that's what I'm talking about. i don't wanna be angry no more. it's all long. it's bad mind & it's bad for business. 

that's why i like London. i love my friends & they show me the same love. s/o lou lou & gracie. rozzz. these people put real smiles on my face. denasè. alazar. neomi. 4. tippy. too many to mention. komaro ! lou zerker ! they remind me to breathe, & remember life ain't all bad, & that spite will only take me so far. I actually only started rapping out of spite, so i would say it's taken me pretty far lol.

it's funny how such a low frequency has carried me all these years. it's funny how only yesterday i began to dig through my memories & found out that somethings, i haven't taken accountability for. as a grown nigga, i can't roll like that. so, i'm gonna clench my fists & firm the L where it's due. I understand that sometimes I move wrong. but hey, you're human & so am I.

i write this under a really blue sky. i'm gonna play mac miller - outside & count my blessings. the clouds are products of God's very own paint brush, i think they look pretty cool. if you're reading this, welcome to my blog where I speak my mind. a lot of these thoughts are mid fr, but we stumble upon gems every now & then.

maybe i'll even let that money slide...

probably not. 

alcoholic !

what does it mean to be an alcoholic ?

am i one ?

i write this with an over-worked but functioning liver, slightly slurred speech & worried people weighing down on me. i don't think i am. i exaggerate for the blog for sure. but as far as needing cognac to survive...when times get hard i guess. I think i'm just another dreamer, lost in the illusion of wanting more for my existence. i know i won't find the messiah in the bottom of the glass. i know that. but i would also double dare you to find me his hiding spot. see ? you can't. 

dad was a drunk. I figure I can go two ways, condemn this shit altogether or pull my socks up & go further & beyond. or when i look at the phrasing of the last sentence, maybe it's cause i suspect i'm easily influenced. But I don't think I am. I stand my ground. nigga I stand on business. I have friends who were in love with the shit that got whitney. the shit that got malcolm. rest in power. i'm not here to judge or compare. I just think that the line we walk on this planet rock is a thin one. Some dance on the edge whilst some walk blind. it's a battle of the strangest sort. idk.

back to my point. i rap. obviously. Do i give into the allure of the lifestyle ? maybe. I'm being so honest rn, fuck poetry. same time, I think the more people highlight my "alleged" problem, the more i think it's an actual problem. idk.

i've had issues with substance abuse in the past. i did all that. so I can humbly say that i am tired! i just want a drink sometimes hahaha. is that too much to ask ? idk where this was supposed to go. but in the spirit on unfiltered thought, i will still go ahead & post this. I think a rational person (me + tippy) would say that I go overboard at times, but an alcoholic ? nigga. i know some alcoholics. let's be real for a second. i couldn't drink from their flask.

have a happy week, & i hope you all know i will continue drinking this moscato til the day they come for me.

blue dots

when I open up the map app on my iPhone, it tells me where I am. Woke up to a Copenhagen sunrise, or a lack of. Bare clouds today. But that's whatever, I'm gonna steal my girlfriend's jacket. Yesterday I drank 3 bottles of wine and some beers. Maybe that's why I reek of bravery. I got some assignments to postpone & bury in the depths of my mind, because I'd rather be rich today tbh. Fr I got some millions to make, however I've already seen a couple people I used to be close to get over a 100 bags and blow it all on cocaine & uber. I can't go out the game like that ! Maybe there's a bigger plan. Maybe I have to learn more first. 

Faith in patience is the only thing holding me together, alongside moscato & this new Matt Champion album. Needledrop rated it a 6/10 & criticised its sporadic structure, but I just think if it is an issue, we share some aspects of the same problem.

My problem is I want to be the greatest ever. I don't ever wanna dwell in my grave & have another nigga swing round & say, yo, he's actually just as nice, if not better than mase J ! I will turn & throw up from the beyond. & I will get there ! It's God's time on the wristwatch. & I'm allllllll fired up !

Shout out Martyn for getting onto Forbes 30 under 30. Derby's own. I see the whole community in his corner, & it's good to see ! A real inspiration. It puts a fire in my belly & tells my mind not to be afraid of my potential as well, & instead run towards that shit. 

I started this blog because I love to write. & I love to connect with people. All ages, all backgrounds, all everything. So, instead of keeping my thoughts to a journal that'll never be released to the general public, I figure if I have something to say I'm gonna spit that out. I hope some of you have an issue with unfiltered thoughts.  Turbulence is uncontrollable when you're on the right path.